


Sadly, that wasn’t an option. | Ballum

by chloe16



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Childhood, Denial, Heartache, Longing, M/M, Sexuality, Struggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 12:04:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chloe16/pseuds/chloe16
Summary: A look into Callum’s perspective and point of view when seeing Ben and Lexi. A contrast between his fantasy and his reality.





	Sadly, that wasn’t an option. | Ballum

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s quite bad, but it’s my first so cut me a little bit of slack! Enjoy ;)

Callum stepped out of the Queen Vic, shielding his face from the warm sun beaming down, marking the start of the weekend. His eyes followed one particular ray of sunlight, until he found himself looking at the bench in the middle of the Square, hidden amongst the bright rainbow of flowers and greenery that had newly blossomed with impressive displays of coloured petals, all as delicate as a spider’s web. He took a step closer, finding the courage to relax his shoulders and let go of the breath he was holding. Before he could approach any further, two people walked over to the bench. He knew who they were before he even saw their faces. Ben and his sweet daughter Lexi, standing out to Callum in the bustling crowds of people walking past, as though they were performers under a spotlight at a concert. As much as he wanted to look away, as much as he felt like he _needed_ to look away, he became overpowered by the spell that Ben seemed to have him under and so he couldn’t remove his eyes.

Ben threw Lexi into the air and spun her around, causing her to burst into a fit of happy giggles that clearly showed just how much she loved him. He sat down, placing Lexi on his knee and tying her pigtails underneath her chin to make a beard. She erupted into more laughter, nuzzling into Ben’s leather jacket. It was obvious how safe she felt, knowing he would always protect her from harm. Callum felt a wave of sadness wash over him, thinking back to his own childhood and remembering every time he longed to feel safe and protected, but how he instead felt an indescribable fear and level of intimidation.

That was one of the main things he admired about Ben - the way he was with Lexi. The lengths he’d go to for her, to keep her content and at home with him. No matter what people thought of him, no matter how much he played up to this bad boy image people had of him, Callum saw the side of Ben that filled with pride each time he looked at or spoke about his daughter. The side that went unnoticed and was overlooked by everyone else. The way he was so careful with her, never failing to make her smile that innocent grin that only appeared when he was around. 

A small smile tugged at the corners of Callum’s mouth as he dared to imagine, just for a second, what it could be like if he was sat there on the bench with them. In a world where he wasn’t with Whitney. In a world where he felt comfortable enough to accept who he was and talk about himself with confidence. In a world where he could give in to his desires and finally stop ignoring the voices encouraging him to follow his heart. 

_In a world where he was with Ben._

How he wished he could be sat with them as part of the family, with one hand resting on Ben’s shoulder and the other playing with Lexi’s hair, playfully arguing with her about whether mint choc chip or raspberry ripple ice cream is better whilst Ben just chuckled. Then walking hand in hand with Ben whilst Lexi ran ahead towards the park, feeling truly at peace instead of fighting a constant battle with the inner demons that were eating him alive.

Callum snapped out of his trance to avoid being caught staring, and was forced to come back down to the harsh reality of his life that was so different to what his ideal world would be. His current life wasn’t changing any time soon. The envy he had of Ben intensified each day, being able to wear his sexuality on his sleeve like an army medal being proudly displayed on a soldier’s uniform.

He started the short walk back to his flat. It was the last place he wanted to be, but Whitney was expecting him. He couldn’t call it home. Every second he spent there, he stared at the four walls confining him to this lie of a life he was trapped in. He’d give anything to just run away, to leave _‘Halfway’_ in Albert Square and start a new life as _‘Callum’_ somewhere that no one knew him. Where he could be who he wanted to be, and with who he wanted to be with. Not having to impress anyone, or make decisions based on trying to please others. Where he could put his own happiness first. **Sadly, that wasn’t an option.** He had a fiancé, and a fast-approaching wedding.

His thoughts consumed him once again, the few minutes of peace now a distant memory, lost. His footsteps and his heartbeat echoed simultaneously, both competing to see which could ring louder in his ears. Callum violently shook his head, half-intending for it to hurt as punishment. 

Ben was now out of sight, _but not out of mind._


End file.
